Misadventures.

I change my mind I saw you walk away with her I can't look at you Because it hurts to We don't talk Because there is nothing left to say Let me just walked away I'm leaving you and the thought of you behind I'm angered because you wasted my time Hurt because I believed that you were mine But I just didn't see the signs You put me into a lot of pains Till I no longer see the light All are doomed Tears all night You don't deserve to be miss You are a mistake You took me for granted You took away my life to save yours You used me You needed me once when you have no one to talk to You needed me only to heal your pain You used me when you were going through a breakup You are a liar You are a great manipulator You only tell lies You are coward You play victim all over the time You are my worst MISTAKE. I change my mind, This is goodbye.

You take my hand and try to make it mean something so it does It doesn’t mean love but something closer  something that could be mistaken  something that has been mistaken  for love in the wrong lighting the wrong memory. When you first arrived near my hand you held them out to me  and gave me hope but you took them away to search for someone else  you believed you could hold instead. It still hurts me like the first day you left still got a hole in my chest and the wind blows just so, it sounds like you humming me to sleep whispering “always keep this memory for me” It hasn’t gotten easier  but I’m starting to think it might It feels like moving on  means losing you in a different way maybe, you deserve to be missed.

It gets so quiet in the crowd nobody wants to see what is underneath her sleepy eyes  and her chemically induced smiles she pushed away the walls enough for her to catch a breath  yet the winds just get more aggressive and she feels her disguise is fading away She is not going to sit here and wait she knows he is unsure  and now, she is tired of always going back  and forth She aware that it has been a month yet she goes back into the memory lane  she gets caught up by her insane mind she suffocates unconsciously  like drowning deeper more than she ever did  she opens her closet  staring at the cloth which had his perfume stain on which she took four days  to decide whether to wash it or just leave the smell on she looks out under the bed a small box there are some tickets a water bottle from the first date she goes out to the place exactly where they dated  exactly at...

maybe, I should have stopped saying about the things that I have done and start to regret the things that I haven't. I regret the words I haven't said the actions I haven't show the feeling I haven't told I fooled around saying how much I cared yet I never really show how much I do yes, easier said than done I told you that I love yet I was so good at containing myself I told you how much it hurts me yet, I never listened to how much it hurts you as I started to take the blames on me I noticed it's me who fucked the things up there is nothing more I've regretted accept the things I haven't really shows the ignorance the selfishness and now, that you leave you took away a piece of me crushed me down badly that I couldn't stand on my own feet.

On Hari Raya, was it supposed to be fun? was it supposed to be happy? I dreamt of you, last night You are into some else You said that she is the only one  ”Only Aisyah is the name who makes me happy” I don't know why that the name popped up I woke up in tears again Woke up this morning  realized that you deleted my phone number my mood plummeted  I stop doing whatever I do  right at the moment  I swear to God the pain is strong  and urges rise  the suicidal thoughts  the feeling of not being good enough why I wasn't enough for you? how should I show that I care about you?

I hate the silence  and how we chose the distance the lack of your voice during the day and the space keeping you away I hate the day your eyes were no longer seeking mine  and the pain that fills the holes of my heart when I know even half of me  isn’t on your mind i miss your presence  i miss you.

I saw you at the field  I saw you from far like too far away just couldn't get closer enough  to even see your face I walked pass you at the corridor yet I couldn't look at your face at all but still your scent your perfume you are doing fine you still have the brightest smile you still do the things that you're passionate about you are still you the one who I used to know your life is going well you went through this  like there was nothing  happened  maybe I'm difficult to be love by anyone  now that you're no longer  messed up my absence was a great start I know you're fine, will always be fine with or without me I do know there's someone else in your mind my instincts could never be wrong she is better, maybe matured enough than my shitty mind better enough than my selfishness  and ignorance she brings you joy what’s left that I can say? If happy is her, im...

The long nights It had been two weeks I can't sleep  I'm lying awake  Your voice replays over  and over again  Your voices, i miss you Our laughter, i drown into My heart aches and beats in pain  Knowing it will never be the same again  It keeping me insane I miss you, too much. 

I get back to the time when it all started.  23.4 it was the day I starved myself  waited for you accompanied you for your dinner I do buy some food but rather than eat it I choose to have a talk with you for two hours.  we were at the field  in the evening  the weather was perfect I swear  you taught me how to throw the frisbee disc again, I swear to God I got nervous a lot I hand was shaking every time I tried  to throw the disc to you like convincing myself to be calm was a failure at the moment I feel a little closer to you than before  I couldn't find a right word  to describe how the way its feel but if only I can turn back time I would definitely choose this day Unfortunately, a needle from my scarf dropped can't you imagine how funnier you can be that you even tried to search for a needle on a field full of grass?  After that, a talk. ...

my old bad habit, the act of defiance, a great way of ruining my own life. what if the only way not to feel bad is to stop feeling anything at all, forever? the thought won't get out of my mind it's crawling finding its own way out it isn't the day that I feel like crying all my heart out yet it's the day that i feel like what if i could end this pain? for real, like for forever the loneliness the soreness the tiredness my heart aching the loneliness in a crowd the silences yet the thought is so loud how could I end this pain?

I remember that day we were on the bus went back to campus even the shade of our trousers  we talked about the color was just the same but you said that yours  a little darker even the size of our shoes  we compared  ten and six we kept talking about  how much you love sweater with thousand of shade that you have your favorite brand, Uniqlo we talked about Paris saying that you love to be there with your favorite girl while I kept pointing out Santorini I remember that  you pretended to be asleep I teased you just smile if you want to and we both burst into laughter  as it was so cold the water leaked from the air conditioner it kept dripping  now that we sit so close avoided your cloth wet now that everything feels so calm we chatted even more I remember that you hold my hand I loosened the grip  pulled my hand away yet again you grab it and don't let...

when there was still “us” you kept asking me why? why do I love you? it always burns in me  still leaving scars  your fragrance  your flavor  your smell your perfume  your scent unforgettable your smiles your hair’s smell your hot Horlicks your favorite marvel’s character your frisbee addiction your stupid jokes the gentleman version of yours the way you was on your knees confessed this and that the way you opened up the car’s door for me the way you hold my handbag the way you fed me up the way you talk to others the way you walk the way you called my name the wake-up call the twenty mins call every after Maghrib most of all, I love you without the exact reason I love you for who you are even when your head messed up even when you messed things up I still love you with no reason why.