To you (Part 2)

After a month, on 13/10/19.

You confessed, that you love me.

And of course, I love you too. I was irrationally in love with you.

I accepted you in my life for the third time. But guess what, five days after, you said that you were terrified of all of this, you were afraid of what future holds for us. I wept again, stupid me. I hid it from everyone, the pain. And this "break up" was the best for us. I served the rules. 

After a week, you started to end every call with I love you. Day by day, it became serious. We agreed on no declaration, no status and I was fine with it. Trusting my gut feeling, giving you my all I could ever give. I don't fucking care about the status, the only thing I want is honesty.  Yet, I was never enough for you. The way you told me that I don't try to inaugurate, initiate the conversations, the way I don't appreciate you, that was what we fought about, every time. Every single time. Have you ever see how much I tuned it for you? No, you don't, the effort, the way I tried to make you feel special. But when it came to the part when I sought your attention, "Always sedarkan diri, your not my girlfriend". It killed me inside. 

You mentioned my insecurities. Did you ever know, it was you who made me feel it? The way the told me about other girls who keep on seeking your attention and how you have to layan them. I won't say much, because I'm not there to cage you up, I trust you enough. Yet, your ex, you always mentioned them to me. Said that you saw a glimpse of her in me, how she used to mistreat you when I did the same mistake. You don't heal yet sayang. How to love an unhealed people? I tried, istg I tried my best. 

You gave me the uncertainty, you want the privilege of being a boyfriend yet, you don't even want the commitment. But yes, those late-night calls, those moments when only involved us, I do admit you did your part well. But that's that. "I gave commitment when I don't even want to commit", that's what you said. Yet it seems like, if you feel like giving the commitment, you will give at all but I can't question if you suddenly missing or done something wrong. 

The last thing that happened. When the girl you try to engage the conversation with, came up to my friend, told my friend that you've been trying to flirt her, it shattered my trust. There come the trust issues. 

Publicly, update on Instagram that you are single. Telling other girls that you're not available because you are scared of what had happened in the past, and not because you are seeing me. If you don't ever want to introduce me or really want to be seen as single, at least, do tell people you are seeing someone and not all of that stupid bullshit that we have nothing at all.  That was why I questioned you, your honesty, your love.  

I asked you "Are you still confuse? There were days you made me feel special, but the other days, I don't even know." And again, you assumed that I doubted your honesty, I don't apprehend, I don't appreciate what you have done for me.  That's it. 

Yet, again I was the one to be condemned, to be criticized, to be blamed. I'm the one who is vulnerable, I'm the one who is toxic, I'm the one who is full of anxiety.

Tell me how to soothe you? Tell me how to love you? Tell me how to give the commitment to a person who wants me but doesn't really want me? Tell me how to love an unhealed person? Tell me how to give you my all yet in returned I received the uncertainty? Tell me, do tell me. 

In two weeks, "tawar hati". How fragile your love was? 

I don't want to give up, but you left me. 

Thank you for everything.

and now, I've been prescribed with some pills due to this. I only sleep for two hours every day for about two weeks. But those pills do help me to feel calm, yet I feel empty. While you're happy, know that I'm dealing with this shit on my own. Next week is going to be the final exam, while I'm still on medication. I don't know how this going to end for me but you give a big impact on my life.  

And today I get my hair cut, dyed it red. 

I do still love you, thank you.